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PAGE ONE
| Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess
approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. " Aye, a whusky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. " Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!" Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
|
| Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean? They found out that deep down, they’re really not so bad. |
| A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were in a bar and had just started on a new round when a fly landed in each glass of beer. The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife. The Irishman blew his away in a cloud of froth. The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass. "Go on, spit it out, ye wee devil," he growled. |
| When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction.
Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. 'Just see," said God. "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some." Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?" 'Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God. |
| How do you recognize a left-handed Scotsman? He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket. |
| After discovering they had won ten million
pounds on the National Lottery, Mr and Mrs McKenzie sat down to
discuss their future. "After
twenty years of washing other people's stairs to earn money," said
Mrs McKenzie, "At last I can throw away my old scrubbing brush." " Of course you can," said her husband. "We can easily afford to buy you a new one now." |
| Did you hear about the generous Scotsman who offered a million pounds to the first person to swim non-stop across the Atlantic ocean? |
| How do you disperse an angry Scottish mob? Take up a collection. |
| Walter went on a date with his new girlfriend and they reached
the door of her flat just before midnight. When she kissed him goodnight
she said, "be careful on your way home or someone might rob
you of all the money you've saved this evening. |
| When Sandy MacGillivray came back from his first trip to London,
everyone in the village was keen to find out how he had got on. " Did you like it?" " Oh, it was no' bad." " As good as that, Was it?" " Well, there was just the one thing wrong. The other guests in my hotel just would not go to their beds. They were in the corridor ouside my room shouting and banging on my door untill three o'clock in the morning." So what did you do, Sandy?" " Och, I just kept on playing my bagpipes." |
| Why do all Scots have a sense of humour? Because it's free. |
| What do you call a Scottish parrot? A macaw. |
| A little Scottish boy ran into the house and said to his father, "I've
just saved twenty pence by running home from school behind the bus." His father replied, "that's good but you could have saved £2 by running home behind a taxi." |
| Hamish was travelling by train from Edinburgh
to London so he went to the train station and handed over money
for his ticket. The ticket
clerk handed over the ticket and said, "by the way, change at
York." " I'll have mine now, if you don't mind," said Hamish. |
| Last night there was a big argument in a Glasgow cinema. Two men were trying to get in using one ticket - they said they half-brothers. |
| Have you heard about the Scotsman who gave a present of fifty pounds
each to an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman? Nor has anyone else. |
| Did you hear about the man who gave up making haggis? He didn't have the guts for it anymore. |
| A Scots woman goes in a dry cleaning shop
and says to the shop owner, "Can I sit down for a wee while,
I have a bairn." The posh shop owner replies, "I'm sorry, we don't repair scorched clothing." |
| What did one highland cow say to the other? Och, aye the moo! |
| John McDougal heard about a doctor who charged ten pounds for the
first consultation but only three pounds for every subsequent visit.
So he walked into the doctor's surgery and announced, 'Here I am
again, doctor.' 'Just keep up the treatment I prescribed last time,' said the doctor, who was also a Scotsman. |